Three Drunks Vs Giant Statue

How a lone Ranger ended up destroying a giant statue BY HERSELF


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It was around the time my nephew, one of his friends and I were getting into doing D&D when this little scenario happened.

We were just a small party; only three members. My nephew was playing a criminal rouge human character, while his friend was playing a half-orc barbarian who is also a criminal. I was the only one willing to experiment with multi-class at this time, so I went with a Ranger and Sorcerer combo. However in game, I was always referred to as a ranger since my sorcerer side was the one where Wild Magic happens. And more often than not, my nephew and his friend tended to abuse that part of my character for their own amusement. 

Admittedly I let them because the effects of the Wild Magic surges were actually pretty funny and for the most part harmless and more of an inconvenience. At one point I turned my nephew’s character a rainbow of different colors for three days, which being a rouge that liked to stealth around, really wreaked his style since the DM decided it would be impossible for a rouge to sneak around doing his criminal activities when he’s bright pink. Not to mention the half-orc was laughing his head off every time he looked at the guy. But I digress.

Now what happened was the party has reached the capital and decides now would be good time to find a tavern and get drunk. Like I said before, these guys are criminals, so it’s my—the ranger’s—job to ensure they don’t get into trouble since I had only just recently managed to lower their notoriety level as they would say in Assassin’s Creed. I wasn’t planning on getting my character drunk because when she gets drunk she wants to show off her magic, which attracts trouble—funny trouble sure, but still trouble that could have been avoided.

Unfortunately for me, I was overruled by my nephew, his friend and the DM, who was controlling the barkeep, since there’s no use in arguing when the persuasion is equal to that of 42 on the die roll. So I had no choice but to allow my character to drink. I roll constitution save to see how smashed by character would be after this one drink. I rolled a Natural 1. Smashed doesn’t even begin to cover how drunk my character is now.

So now that my character is good and sauced, the rouge and the barbarian are chanting “Do Your Trick! Do Your Trick!” And pretty soon the whole tavern is chanting the same thing since apparently while my character was chugging down this God knows how alcoholic drink, the rouge and the barbarian were drunkenly bragging about my character being a sort of magic entertainer or something. My character is too drunk to correct them, and doesn’t even care really about anything other than that she needs to use her magic.

Now the thing you got to understand is that the DM and I went over this before the campaign started on what are the chances of my magic going wild when I’m mainly playing as a ranger. We decided that it would be 50/50 to see if the magic goes wild and if it does, I would have to roll again to choose what will happen on a chart we made for the possible effects. It was a good system and so far it worked without me rolling for the real dangerous stuff.

Until now.

I rolled the single d100 we had high enough to show that my character’s magic is going to surge, which makes the gleam in my nephew and his friend’s eyes glow bright since this was what they wanted to happen. But their faces fell when I rolled the d100 again and instead of a neat trick, I summon a 60-foot statue of a stone armor plated woman out from under me. Now keep in mind, this was in small tavern in the middle of a capital city, so it destroys the tavern and quite a few other buildings as it rising out of the ground. What makes it worse is that this statue is animated, meaning it can move and it’s essentially a giant automaton, ready to attack whoever attacks it. 

My nephew and his friend realize that this is no laughing matter because they pretty much summoned a giant level 13 enemy in the middle of the capital. And to make it worse, I’m sitting on the statue’s shoulder, too drunk to realize what is going on because I’m failing my constitution save again. 

It’s time to roll for initiative! But the DM reminds my nephew and his friend that since they’ve been drinking the same beer that I’ve been drinking and as such, they have to roll with disadvantage on their dexterity, strength and wisdom, but thankfully not the rest of their stats because they managed to avoid getting as drunk as me. I on the other hand have disadvantage to all my stats until I’m able to roll a high enough constitution save. 

So the statue is making its way down the city, toppling over and crushing anything and everything in its way. As the rouge and barbarian are running after it, the rouge makes a perception check and sees that statue has a weak spot, which is good because hitting it enough times will make the whole thing shatter. The bad news is my ranger is drunkenly sitting on top of it. So he decides to try and get my attention, but he fails on his charisma check and all my ranger hears is “blah, blah, blah.” I make my constitution save and I fail again. I decided that my ranger has decided that she hears her friend say something about her hand having a “death touch” and she starts slapping the statue’s ear, not even phasing the statue but obviously nearly breaking her hand.

The barbarian goes to attack the statue but trips over building debris because he failed his athletics roll thanks to his drunkenness. The statue spots him and stomps on him, but thanks to his high amount of HP, he survives. The rouge decides to climb up a not-totally fallen building, almost loses his grip because he nearly fails his acrobatics save because apparently his hangover head can’t handle sudden movements. But he manages to shout at my ranger, trying to tell her about the fact she’s sitting on the statue’s weak spot. But she still can’t understand him, so he instead fires an arrow, but misses.

Now it’s my turn, I finally roll high enough on my constitution save and my ranger comes to the realization she’s in a bad spot on top of a moving 60-foot statue. Unable to do anything since she lost her weapons when she summoned the statue, and not wanting to use magic since that’s what got her into this situation, all she can do is start screaming and yelling at her party members to get her down. 

Unfortunately, as I said, the party was drunk. I never saw so many failed rolls in a row in my admittedly short career playing D&D at that point. We played it out that the barbarian and rouge were so uncoordinated due to their drinking that they couldn’t keep their feet and kept tripping over the increasing amount of debris. And at one point, my ranger fell off the statue because she was surprised when one of the rouge’s stray arrows nearly hit her in the shin. Now this could have been the end of her if she hadn’t on reflex casted a spell. Both fortunately and unfortunately, the magic went wild again. 

So instead of Feather Fall, my ranger became essentially a giant powerful magnet. How powerful you ask? Powerful enough that basically every metal weapon in a 50-foot 360 degree span came flying at her. And guess who has mainly weapons with metal? My two party members and the city guards that had come to try and help us defeat this threat we accidently brought upon their city. Luckily I had just enough Armor Class and HP to take the hits from these flying metal weapons and because there were so many, they actually formed a protective shell around my character that they reduced the amount of fall damage I could have had.

But I had also disarmed both my party members and all the city guards. To say my nephew and his friend were annoyed with me would be an understatement until I reminded them that they were the ones that put me in that situation because they decided to get my character drunk and make her “do her trick.” They couldn’t argue with that even with the defense that this had never happened before because they had always known this was a possibility and it was only luck that this didn’t happen for so long. 

But now no one knows what the heck they’re supposed to do since not only are all the weapons on the battlefield are now stuck to my character, but because of the line of bad rolls my nephew and his friend were currently facing, their characters had fallen behind and the amount of debris on the field plus their drunk status meant that their movement speed was cut down severely. And now we lost our back-up because the city guards couldn’t defend themselves anymore and had to retreat. 

Really the only one both close enough to fight the statue, as well as having a means to attack that didn’t include weaponry, was my ranger, who is now also the only party member sober stat wise. So it was up to me, the one who summoned the statue and yet had the least amount of responsibly for the situation that is happening. 

But remember I said that it was the ranger’s job to ensure the two criminal party members don’t get into trouble? I decided to roleplay this to my advantage in this case and see what happens.

As the rouge and barbarian once again drunkenly trip over the debris, they hear this god-awful scream of animalistic rage, which is basically just me screaming at the top of my lungs so suddenly that I had scared not only my nephew, his friend, and the DM, but basically made everyone in the whole room jump and look at me. But I ignored it all to stay in character.

Luckily, my nephew and his buddy caught on with what I was doing and had their characters try and defend themselves, while failing to keep me calm because they’re still too drunk to make their charisma stats work. I had roleplayed that the ranger threatened that if she died because of their stupid idea of a joke, they had better hope the gods take pity on them because she sure wouldn’t because she is now invoking Hoar, god of retribution, and she is gonna kill any and all who stand in her way of extracting judgment on them. And with that, with all nearly 1,000 pounds of heavy metal weapon still magnetized to her, she stood up because I had rolled a Natural 20 on my strength check. Apparently, according to the DM, Hoar had heard my character’s proclamation and agreed that these two idiots that called themselves my ranger’s party members needed to be punished for their misuse of her Wild Magic and no 60-foot statue was going to stand in her way.

It seemed that Hoar’s support was apparently all the ranger needed because I had her cast her magic again, which unsurprisingly went wild and the surge summoned a 100-foot deep hole right under the statue. Needless to say, the statue fell and was trapped inside this pit because it didn’t have the ability to move its arms and climb its way out. But that wasn’t enough for my ranger because now that the magic surged again, the magnetic effect of the surge before it was nullified and my ranger had more than enough weapons surrounding her to start flinging them at the statue’s weak spot. 

My nephew and his buddy decided to skip their next subsequent turns for the rest of the battle because they were surprised by this unexpected turn of events since they were having such a crappy time trying to fight this unexpected enemy due to the drunk status that they weren’t having any luck shaking and was now permanent until they took a long rest. Not to mention it was amazing to see that my character, the one with the lowest strength stat in the three-member party was actually going to town on a giant solid stone statue and winning. 

I don’t know how or why, but never once did my ranger miss the weak spot target and within 5 turns she had hit the statue’s weak spot enough that it the last blows ended up making creaks appear all over the statue, and just like what happens with Sephiroth’s final boss fight, light comes streaming out the statue’s abdomen as burst of wild magic leaked out of the statue. As the wild magic flashed, the statue dissolved into millions of little pieces that filled the half the hole.

So that’s how a lone Ranger ended up destroying a giant statue, saved the capital and became the hero. But what exactly happened afterward?

Truth be told, not much because regardless of what her stats said, the ranger had gotten smashed by the alcohol early quite quickly early on, so technically the only reason she was able to do this was simply because of an adrenaline rush. And now that the adrenaline has worn off…

Yeah, my ranger passed right out once the statue was destroyed, along with the rouge and barbarian. So her “divine retribution” would have to wait until after she was done with her nap and her party members had better hope she would have mercy on them because unfortunately they needed her more than she needed them.

But after this, my nephew and his friend decided to never play with my character’s Wild Magic ever again. It’s all fun and games until somebody summons a giant statue and it kicks you in the pride.


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