How our party angered Granny.


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My party consists of a dragonborn cleric named balasar, An asimar cleric I call hatchling, a knome wizard called Orlin, a malaise golem who throws bombs named mycraft, and myself 7′ red lizardfolk fighter named Kothar. 

Our party comes across a few dead bodys in the street. we quickly find foot prints leading away and decide to follow them however the clerics want to bury the bodys. while they do that the rest of us go on ahead and find they lead to a cave. not wanting to start a fight without our healer we decide it best to hide inside the trees. Finally after a while the clerics catch up and the 3 of us hiding decide to not give away our location yet. however the clerics decide we must be inside the cave and attempt to enter. suddenly 3 arrows fly out and hit hatchling. she runs away back to the road startled while Balasar hides behind a nearby tree. i decide to sneak up to the side of the entrance and throw a torch in. its 4 goblins with bows. i rush in. Balasar comes to help while Mycraft and Orlin lob some magic missiles. due to a few bad rolls the goblins survive another round when my sword flys out of my hand and knicks Balasar. “Watch it” he shouts as he hits a goblin for low damage. Mycraft picks up Orlin who is wearing a magic hat that allows him to be thrown as a javelin but makes him face plant 5 feet away. I kill a goblin and turn around to see the last goblin dodge Balasars blade and mycraft slams Orlin headfirst straight down.

we finish off the fight by me chewing on the goblin and waking up Orlin who was knocked out cold. 

We make our way through the cave and at the end find a house with lovely decore and inside we see an old woman who is baking cookies. We approach her with caution and find that shes actually a mustly blind hobgoblin dressed up as a granny. “Ah welcome back kids” she says as we enter the house. 

“I want to put her into the oven” i tell the dm. he just stares at me for a moment. So i approach her and try to force her into the oven. “She doesnt budge at all” says the dm. 

me:”Fine ill Stab her.” 

dm: please dont.

i roll damage.

Granny: “Aw billy youve always been a scamp” she says as she smashes my head with a hot cookie sheet. 

Mycraft: Granny i got a present for you as he hands off an active bomb. 

it explodes and i take full force and Granny doesn’t even seem phased by it. 

Me: “thats it im out of here” i yell 

Granny: “its almost time to eat” she picks me up and puts me in a chair. 

Granny puts a plate of cookies out for everyone and Hatchling decides to partake. 

Hatchling: Granny these taste funny whats in them

Granny: Oh you know. Flour, eggs, milk, humanflesh…

Mycraft: what was that last one?

Granny: Milk?

Hatchling: What do you mean humanflesh?

well turns out thats what the goblins we fought were killing travelers for. then Granny would make them snacks. A bit of nonsense happened like Orlin trying to steal platinum out of the swear jar and getting caught, we healed, i left to get more travelers, and Mycraft tried to distract Granny by pretending to be constipated. After 10 mins of Orlin being beatin with rolling pins. I come back in with all the goblins corpses with the help of Balasar.

Me: Granny i brought some travelers to make a cake.

Granny: oh good. i have a new recipe i want to try

After i help granny butcher the goblins and bake the cake we all sit down to eat. Orlin decides to try for the jar again and Granny breaks his hand with a stone plate. After Granny and i eat a slice of cake.

Me: So Granny we arnt really your gran kids.

Granny: What?

Me: The travelers we just butcher and ate were.

Granny becomes enraged with grief and starts throwing things around. everyone books it out of the cave for fear of the cookie sheets and rolling pins. we wait for her infront of the cave entrance. Looking around Hatchling Once again ran off to the road. 

Granny comes outside and we take our final stand 4 lvl 4 characters against a lvl 15 fighter. Lucky the dice were on my side. I had her full attention after what i did and She barely rolled high enough to hit me. Balasar and i hit her from both sides while Mycraft and Orlin cast spells. 

When Granny finally laid dead we went back to the room which is now almost completely destroyed. however there on the table was still the mostly untouched cake whick i took with me.


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